Kenneth Starr: Get a sex life of your own and then you won't have to waste so much time and money investigating everyone else's.

Sir Paul Condon: Unless you say sorry.

Derek Draper: If you must run around quaffing champagne and filling your pockets as a lobbyist please stay away from a party which is supposed to campaign for social justice.

Geri Spice: Unless you really, really reinvent yourself as a young woman with some talent.

Bridget Jones: Drink, smoke and bonk as much or as little as you like. Just don't keep going on about it.

Monica Lewinsky: You've earned your presidential knee pads and are sure to go down in history, so quit while you're ahead. Stick to shopping from now on.

Andrew Morton: Making money out of tragic women is more than we can bear.

Frank Field: You took too long, your figures didn't add up, and you weren't that good anyway.

Ladettes: It's not big and it's not clever. Anyway why would anyone stoop so low as to seek equality with the likes of Newman and Baddiel? Lady Di's ex-boyfriends: She's not here to defend herself and we wouldn't want to know even if she was. Have some respect.

Osama Bin Laden: We don't like American hegemony any more than you do. But maiming the innocent in Africa is no way to go about challenging it.

Anthea Turner: Your inane grin we can deal with. But all this to-ing and fro-ing with Della and Grant Bovey is more than we can bear. Sort it out and keep it to yourselves.

Will Carling: We are having a ball without you. No tours or testimonials, please.

Ian Brown: Threatening flight attendants, cancelling your tour - anybody would think you were just covering up for the fact that your music is rubbish.

Bill Clinton: Just because we don't want you impeached doesn't mean we approve. Make yourself scarce, you lame duck, and be careful where you put your beak.

Binyamin Netanyahu: You wrecked the peace process and your own party. You should be in the demolition business, not politics.

William Hague: Quit while you're behind.

Boris Yeltsin: Have a strong coffee and sleep it off in your dacha. We'll catch you the other side of the millennium.

Bill Bryson: We met you in Europe and thought you were quite funny then, but by the time you took us on the Appalachian trail we were all bored stiff.

Hillary Clinton: You promised you would not be 'some little Tammy Wynette and stand by your man'. Now look at you. Your guy's a flake. Leave him.

Jean Marie Le Pen: We don't like Bruno Megret either but we're glad you're rowing. Now do us all a favour and leave your party divided.

Louis Farrakhan: Racial equality in the US is too important to leave to an anti-semitic homophobe. Especially one in a stupid bow-tie.

Richard Branson: We want to get to Manchester on time, not hear about your wife swapping and your latest balloon crash.

Tara Palmer Tomkinson: Famous for being famous was bad enough. Now you're famous for being trite and wearing a snorkel. Get a life.

Tony's cronies: Get elected and be accountable or get lost and stop fawning your way into positions of influence.

Diane Abbott: You are elected and you are accountable.

You are also a Labour MP. So stop slagging off Labour Party members every time you appear on TV.

Chelsea Clinton: As the one member of your family with any integrity let's hope you are left to keep a private life of your own.

Ewan McGregor: You're hung like a stallion. We're impressed. Now put it away.

Chris Evans: The radio show was cheesy enough. Putting it on Sky TV is more than we can bear. The talent/ego ratio is seriously out of kilter.

Blonde, sunny, cheerful newsreaders: Juliet Morris, Kirsty Young, that one on Sky, have had their day. What about more ugly newsreaders, preferably with thick Brummie or Geordie accents? Simon Le Bon: Duran Duran had their undeserved 15 minutes of fame in the eighties. Last year they came back for more, but sadly even then Simon did not explain the lyric of Union Of The Snake, which might have taken several days.

Denise van Outen: That fick Essex girl minx stereotype is about five years past its sell-by date. And you can't act. Do one, will yer? Jeffrey Archer: If we wanted a trashy author to be mayor of London we'd ask Barbara Cartland.

Saddam Hussein: Just because we disagreed with the bombing doesn't mean we want to see you stay in power.

Billie Piper: Because we don't want to.

Celine Dion: She's sunk too low with that song.

Gary Barlow: You're under 30 and you still sound like Cliff Richard. Try acting your age.

Cliff Richard: Try acting your age.

Professional footballers: Obviously, Brian, the young whippet rose like a salmon and nodded it into the onion bag, before rushing off for a quick shower and a crash course in public speaking before favouring the press with a post-match interview. Innit? Jerry Springer: I'm Pregnant And I Have To Strip. My Teen Worships Satan. I Hate Your Sexy Occupation. These were your contributions to western civilisation. The rest of your life should be spent in a Buddhist retreat, contemplating your insignificance.

Tupac: Your posthumous releases are getting spooky. Rest in peace.

General/Senator Pinochet: We'd like to say it's been a pleasure having you but that would be a lie. Now it's time for the Spanish to hear you lecture them on the morality of natural justice.

Geoffrey Boycott: No one wants to give you a good press because no one likes men who beat up their girlfriends.

Ulrika Jonsson: Vic and Bob made you a star, now you need shooting.

Ian Paisley: Your absence from the airwaves is directly proportional to the success of the peace process. Stay away.

Camille Paglia: You've been flying on wings borrowed from the feminist movement. Earth is calling. We hope you come down with a bump.

Ally McBeal: We've had enough of Bridget Jones in print, why would we want to see her on television? Calista Flockhart or Flackista Cockhart, or whatever your name is: Time was when actresses chose mellifluous monikers. Isn't it about time you and Sandra Bullock did the same? Celebrity chefs: Ready, Steady, Get lost.

Caprice: You know why.

Margaret Thatcher: You still here? Emma Noble: You have long legs and are engaged to the son of one of the most ineffectual prime ministers we've had this century. Not much to shout about really.

Lauren Booth: Carving a career out of not quite knowing your 'sister' is less than impressive.

Prince Charles: We don't actually care if you marry her or not, so long as you pay for the bash.